omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You were trust falling into bushes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
