The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
