So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
