closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
