My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
