drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
