new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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