have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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