She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
