guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
