highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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