So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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