Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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