Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
