I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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