Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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