when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
