just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
