So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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