He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
