wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
how do you play pong handcuffed?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
