at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize