No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
