if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
