Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
