and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
