Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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