I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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