apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
