I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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