When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
