dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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