I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
