I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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