The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
