plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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