Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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