Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
