I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
