He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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