I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
