connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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