Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
