I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
