I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
