the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
