Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
