he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
