i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
When are your genitals available?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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