You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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