Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
