he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
