ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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