my phone needs a breathalizer
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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