That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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