Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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