i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
