there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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