I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
