New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
