he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
